I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
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I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.