A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
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Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?