Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
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The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”