I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
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Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
He’s dead
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.