All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
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I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.