[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
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My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
This makes total sense…
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense