Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
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Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.