URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.