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who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*