– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
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When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
WHY?!
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.