[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
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My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed