When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
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Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
what’s the point then??
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Storm Tropical Storm
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad