Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
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My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
OH. COME. ON.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.