in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
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My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.