Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
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boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix