strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
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I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.