To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true