Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
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Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
No Google it does not
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids