Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
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not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING