You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
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God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
😅🤣😂
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god