Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
You Might Also Like
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”