Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman