Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
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4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.