The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
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Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug