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[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.