“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
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“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
#Caturday
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.