my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
You Might Also Like
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Who knew!
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.