(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
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This could be us… but you playing
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away