It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
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So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.