not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
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Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I really had high hopes for this year though