[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
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What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I’m giving up for Lent.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.