KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
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I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe