“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
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CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
(Electricians.)
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
this is the greatest thing ever