Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
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The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”