Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
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JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Ron is short for Aaronald
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.