In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
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i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.