waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
You Might Also Like
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O