cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
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Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Yes, but it was never about money
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*