Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
yes… yes…