hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
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Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.