Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
You Might Also Like
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Did my cat write this
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Lmbo
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.