Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
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[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
🤣🤣🤣
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
yeet
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.