*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
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Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
True.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
#Caturday
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it