When life hands you women, make women laid.
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My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]