[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
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me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe