Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
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Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
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Expectations vs. Reality
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken