Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
You Might Also Like
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
my first dose meeting my second
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
…żyje?
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.