Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
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Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
not for long
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure