Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
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Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it