If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
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Every work call, he judges.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
broke down and did it
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Well well well…
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.